My Alternative Life Plans
It’s not that I don’t have a plan B…
Plan A – Stay in South Africa and live happily ever after.
Plan B – Go to the UK, get pregnant with a random guy, have a baby, get pregnant with another random guy (preferably racially different than the first one), have a baby, continue the process till I feel like it. Bum the government till I die killed by one of my dysfunctional children.
Plan C – Become a war photographer. Place irrelevant, there’s always a war to attend to.
Plan D – Go to India, become a Bollywood superstar and marry Shah Rukh Khan .
Plan E – Become an assassin with a code. like Dexter just in a prettier packaging.
Plan F – Learn how to play volleyball. It seemed to work as a life plan for the popular girls in high school.
Plan G – Go back to Poland, work and study part-time, become a script-writer/ film writer.
Plan H – Go to Saudi Arabia and drive naked (women are not allowed to drive there, the naked part is pretty obvious). Then get beheaded.
Plan I – Go to Cambodia and become an English teacher (that was the plan two years ago). Eat a spider.
Plan J – Go to Poland and take part in a drinking contest in which I’ll drink so much that I’ll die of an overdose.
Plan K – Go back to Poland, work and study part-time, become a psychologist/ psychoanalyst/ therapist.
Plan L – Get a bunch of plastic surgeries and become a Playboy playmate.
Plan M – Go to Afghanistan and fight for the rights of women.
Plan N – Become Sailor Moon.
Plan O – Become a nun who has a double life and secretly works as a call girl (kudos Mr. Almodovar).
Plan P – Have a sex change. Just for fun. I’ve always wanted to know how it feels like to have a penis. Then become a drag queen.
Plan R – Do Micheal Jackson but the other way round and become a public taxi driver in South Africa.
Plan S – Close myself in a room, keep playing computer games till I die of dehydration and starvation. My game of choice: Skyrim.
Plan T – Move to Tunisia and marry my ex-fiance. Piss my family off and then when satisfaction is gone lead a miserable life with a man I used to love. (get it? reference to “Somebody I Used To Know”. Cause I’m so smart and culturally aware. No, like for real, I’m just too good to be true.)
Plan U – Volunteer and take part in a dodgy scientific experiment. Keep living with a tail/ dog’s head next to mine/ 6 hands.
Plan W – Marry the night.
Plan X – Check how long a person can survive without food. Die when appropriate.
Plan Y – Spend my life proving that Hitler/ MM/ Elvis and other famous people are still alive and that all conspiracy theories are true (yes, I know, they’re often contradictory, that’s why proving they’re ALL true will keep me busy for a lifetime).
Plan Z – Discover the way how to turn people into zombies. Start Zombie Apocalypse.